12 Things Young Parents Are Tired Of Hearing

Yes, we started early. Yes, we can see you doing mental math and subsequently judging us.

1. Awwww, is this your little sister/brother?

This fine specimen of humanity is the product of unprotected sex between me and my partner.

2. How old are you?

Old enough to know that’s a rude-ass question.

3. Were they happy accidents or planned?

Is there a right way to answer this?

4. Is the baby’s father/mother still in the picture?

Nope, much like the praying mantis, the young parent eats their mate after conception to show dominance.

5. Did you consider alternatives when you found out you were pregnant?

Well yeah, I mean we thought about exposing the fetus to radiation in hopes of birthing a superhero but it was like a 50% chance it’d turn into a villain. Not worth it, am I right?

6. Man, I just don’t think I was mature enough for kids at your age.

Good thing you didn’t have them then.

7. Isn’t it irresponsible to have kids before you’re financially secure?

If everyone waited until financial security to have kids, the human species would be extinct.

8. It must be nice to have all that energy!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHA!

9. I don’t think I can handle being friends with you now that you’re a parent.

Kids: the ultimate early asshole detection system.

10. Don’t you feel like you’re missing out on your youth?

You mean going to animated movies in theaters, playing hide-and-seek, having pancakes for dinner, building a blanket fort, getting back into coloring, and trading Pokemon cards? Because that’s what we did last weekend.

11. Oh wow, you could be a grandparent in your forties!

And that’s a bad thing why? My kids will be in college when yours are in kindergarten.

12. How do you manage everything?

With faith, trust, and pixie dust. Also a day planner, like everyone else.

Sure things might be rough going now…BUT!

One day our friends will all be at PTA meetings while we’re drinking margaritas with our adult kids on a cruise.

31 Things No One Tells You About Becoming A Parent

You’re going to need to know this stuff before you take the plunge.

1. At some point you will accidentally hurt your kid and you’ll feel like the worst parent ever.

Try not to take it so hard. It happens to the best whether they admit it or not.

2. You will know a lot less about this:

“Wait. What happened?”

3. And a whole lot more about this:

4. Your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.

“I am a grown-ass person, Netflix! I don’t want to watch Bubble Guppies!”

5. Your pet will no longer be your top priority.

You: “When did we last feed the dog?” Spouse: “Dog?”

6. You will gain 15 pounds.

Kids love to eat ice cream, and what are you gonna do? Let them eat that tiny, 4-ounce kid’s cup without getting a jumbo for yourself? That would just be rude.

7. The backseat of your car will be nasty.

I don’t care how often you wash your car now. Crushed Cheerios, spilled juice, and a whole lot of other crap are in your car’s future.

8. You will eat 95% of your meals either incredibly fast or with one hand. Or both.

9. You’ll basically become a ninja.

When you need something from the baby’s room late at night you’ll be able to slip in and out without upending a feather.

10. Despite your best efforts, your kids will get their hands on your iPhone.

And this is what your photos will look like afterward.

11. Parenting is harder than you think it’ll be, but you won’t really notice.

Kind of like how lobsters don’t notice the water getting hotter, parents don’t notice how increasingly difficult parenting becomes.

12. You will have to sneak candy like it’s a contraband substance.

If your kid so much as smells chocolate on your breath, you’re screwed.

13. You will laugh more than at any other time in your life.

Kids do and say the funniest stuff ever. It’s pretty awesome.

14. You’ll be awakened at 2 a.m. to fetch a glass of water only to find your kid passed out when you deliver it.

The good news, though, is that the water is now totally yours!

15. You will see your own faults reflected back at you.

It’s sobering when you see your kid imitate your own bad behavior, and it will make you want to be a better person.

16. Folding kid and baby clothes is torture.

A normal-sized pile of laundry will take you three times as long to fold if it’s full of baby stuff.

17. It’s impossible to feel manly when folding said baby clothes.

Aww, look at the big man folding the tiny, widdle clothes.

18. The power of cute is more formidable than you realize.

Right now you’re like, “I’ll never give in to my kid’s whims and desires.” But you have never had a 3-year-old peer up at you and say, “Pwease? PWEASE?”

19. You will find talking to your friends without kids more difficult.

Friend: “I met this gorgeous girl at the club last night and we’ve been texting all day.” You: “I changed a poopy diaper.” Awkward silence.

20. Kids become actual people and not baby blobs way sooner than you think.

By the time your kid is 2, you’ll be having conversations more rewarding than many you have with adults.

21. Something you love will get ruined.

Kids have a knack for breaking, dirtying, or losing your favorite possessions. Don’t get too attached to that deer head, pal.

22. You will turn into your parents.

At some point you will actually find yourself saying, “That’s it! I will turn this car around!” and “Your face is gonna freeze like that!”

23. Very little will embarrass you.

Singing to your crying baby in public? Dropping your kid off at school in a robe? Nope. It’ll take more than that.

24. You won’t be able to watch movies where kids are killed or kidnapped.

When you have a little person in your house who you love more than anything, those movies hit a little too close to home.

25. You won’t want to spend money on yourself because you’ll know every dollar spent on yourself is a dollar you could’ve spent on your family.

This is why parents are famous for wearing outdated jeans.

26. Buying your kid something will make you way more happy than buying yourself something.

27. When your kid is little, every trip out of the house will feel like getting ready to go to the airport.

“Got the wipes?” “Check.” “The diapers, change of clothes, blanket, baby bottle, pacifier?” “Uh, check.”

28. You will love to watch kids’ movies.

This isn’t because the movies are so great (though most are tolerable these days), but because they’re an amazing bonding experience with your kid.

29. You will cram your entire adult life between the time your kid goes down and you go to sleep.

“Quick! Turn on The Walking Dead! Pour the wine! Tell me what you think about Obamacare! Ah, crap. It’s time for bed.”

30. For a while, only you will be able to understand them, so you’ll basically become their interpreter.

Grandma: “What did she say? Moogle woogle boo?” You: “No, she wants me to take her and her cousin to the park over on Smith Street next Tuesday.”

31. And lastly, it’s all worth it.

OK, so this is something people will tell you, but it’s true. Even with all of the maddening things that come along with being a parent, being someone’s mommy or daddy is one of life’s most rewarding experiences.

The Neuroscience of Calming a Baby

New study explains why babies calm down when they are carried.

Every parent and caregiver knows from first hand experience that babies calm down when they are picked up, gently rocked, and carried around the room. New research published in the journal Current Biology on April 18, 2013 shows that this is a universal phenomenon. Infants experience an automatic calming reaction when they are being carried, whether they are mouse pups or human babies.

"From humans to mice, mammalian infants become calm and relaxed when they are carried by their mother," says Kumi Kuroda of the RIKEN Brain Science Institute in Saitama, Japan. Being held in a mother's arms is the safest place for a baby to be, and the mother can have peace of mind knowing her baby is happy, content, and relaxed. The fact that babies are neurobiologically wired to stop crying when carried is a part of our evolutionary biology that helps our species survive.

This study is the first to show that the infant calming response to carrying is a coordinated set of central, motor, and cardiac regulations that is an evolutionarily preserved aspect of mother-infant interactions, the researchers say. It also helps to have a scientific explanation for the frustration many new parents struggle with. . . a calm and relaxed infant will often begin crying immediately when he or she is put down. When my daughter was young, swaddling her seemed to create a compact posture and sense of security that triggered an automatic relaxation response when she was put back down and helped break this cycle.

What triggers this calming response?

Kuroda and colleagues at RIKEN determined that the calming response is mediated by the parasympathetic nervous system and a region of the brain called the cerebellum (Latin: little brain). The researchers found that the calming response was dependent on tactile inputs and proprioception. Proprioception is the ability to sense and understand body movements and keep track of your body's position in space. They also found that the parasympathetic nervous system helped lower heart rate as part of mediating the coordinated response to being carried.

Both human and mouse babies calm down and stop moving immediately after they are carried, and mouse pups stop emitting ultrasonic cries. Mouse pups also adopt the characteristic compact posture, with limbs flexed, seen in other mammals such as cats and lions.

The idea that the familiar calming dynamic was also playing out in mice occurred to Kuroda one day when she was cleaning the cages of her mouse colony in the laboratory. She says, "When I picked the pups up at the back skin very softly and swiftly as mouse mothers did, they immediately stopped moving and became compact. They appeared relaxed, but not totally floppy, and kept the limbs flexed. This calming response in mice appeared similar to me to soothing by maternal carrying in human babies."

The Role of the Cerebellum in Calmness

As an athlete, I have written extensively about the cerebellum and its role in coordinating fine-tuned muscle movements, balance, and proprioception... The cerebellum is always on guard to protect your body from danger and prepare you for 'fight-or-flight' by keeping track of everything going on in your environment. 

Among many other jobs, the cerebellum has a huge responsibility to maintain your safety and physical well being. This takes a lot of brain power and energy. Although the cerebellum is only 10% of brain volume it holds over 50% of your brain's neurons. Neuroscientists are perplexed by everything that the cerebellum does. This study offers one more valuable clue. 

Scientists have known for years that the cerebellum is directly linked to a feedback loop with the vagus nerve which keeps heart rate slow and gives you grace under pressure. As adults, we can calm ourselves by practicing mindfulness and Loving-Kindness Meditation which puts the cerebellum at peace and creates a parasympathetic response of well being. This appears to be the same response that occurs in infants when they are being carried. 

Interestingly, the only time during the day that the cerebellum is allowed to let down it's guard and go offline is during REM sleep when your body is paralyzed to prevent you from acting out your dreams. It makes sense that being picked up and carried would send automatic signals that allow the cerebellum to relax and create healthy vagal tone which would lower heart rates in infants.

Conclusion

The researchers believe that these findings could have broad implications for parenting and contribute to preventing child abuse. “This infant response reduces the maternal burden of carrying and is beneficial for both the mother and the infant," explains Kuroda. She goes on to say, “Such proper understanding of infants would reduce frustration of parents and be beneficial, because unsoothable crying is a major risk factor for child abuse.”

"A scientific understanding of this infant response will save parents from misreading the restart of crying as the intention of the infant to control the parents, as some parenting theories—such as the 'cry it out' type of strategy—suggest," Kuroda says. "Rather, this phenomenon should be interpreted as a natural consequence of the infant sensorimotor systems." If parents understand that properly, perhaps they will be less frustrated by the crying, Kuroda says. And that puts those children at lower risk of abuse.

The authors conclude that, “Although our study was done on mothers, we believe that this is not specific to moms and can be used by any primary caregiver.”

This article can be found here.