31 Things No One Tells You About Becoming A Parent

You’re going to need to know this stuff before you take the plunge.

1. At some point you will accidentally hurt your kid and you’ll feel like the worst parent ever.

Try not to take it so hard. It happens to the best whether they admit it or not.

2. You will know a lot less about this:

“Wait. What happened?”

3. And a whole lot more about this:

4. Your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.

“I am a grown-ass person, Netflix! I don’t want to watch Bubble Guppies!”

5. Your pet will no longer be your top priority.

You: “When did we last feed the dog?” Spouse: “Dog?”

6. You will gain 15 pounds.

Kids love to eat ice cream, and what are you gonna do? Let them eat that tiny, 4-ounce kid’s cup without getting a jumbo for yourself? That would just be rude.

7. The backseat of your car will be nasty.

I don’t care how often you wash your car now. Crushed Cheerios, spilled juice, and a whole lot of other crap are in your car’s future.

8. You will eat 95% of your meals either incredibly fast or with one hand. Or both.

9. You’ll basically become a ninja.

When you need something from the baby’s room late at night you’ll be able to slip in and out without upending a feather.

10. Despite your best efforts, your kids will get their hands on your iPhone.

And this is what your photos will look like afterward.

11. Parenting is harder than you think it’ll be, but you won’t really notice.

Kind of like how lobsters don’t notice the water getting hotter, parents don’t notice how increasingly difficult parenting becomes.

12. You will have to sneak candy like it’s a contraband substance.

If your kid so much as smells chocolate on your breath, you’re screwed.

13. You will laugh more than at any other time in your life.

Kids do and say the funniest stuff ever. It’s pretty awesome.

14. You’ll be awakened at 2 a.m. to fetch a glass of water only to find your kid passed out when you deliver it.

The good news, though, is that the water is now totally yours!

15. You will see your own faults reflected back at you.

It’s sobering when you see your kid imitate your own bad behavior, and it will make you want to be a better person.

16. Folding kid and baby clothes is torture.

A normal-sized pile of laundry will take you three times as long to fold if it’s full of baby stuff.

17. It’s impossible to feel manly when folding said baby clothes.

Aww, look at the big man folding the tiny, widdle clothes.

18. The power of cute is more formidable than you realize.

Right now you’re like, “I’ll never give in to my kid’s whims and desires.” But you have never had a 3-year-old peer up at you and say, “Pwease? PWEASE?”

19. You will find talking to your friends without kids more difficult.

Friend: “I met this gorgeous girl at the club last night and we’ve been texting all day.” You: “I changed a poopy diaper.” Awkward silence.

20. Kids become actual people and not baby blobs way sooner than you think.

By the time your kid is 2, you’ll be having conversations more rewarding than many you have with adults.

21. Something you love will get ruined.

Kids have a knack for breaking, dirtying, or losing your favorite possessions. Don’t get too attached to that deer head, pal.

22. You will turn into your parents.

At some point you will actually find yourself saying, “That’s it! I will turn this car around!” and “Your face is gonna freeze like that!”

23. Very little will embarrass you.

Singing to your crying baby in public? Dropping your kid off at school in a robe? Nope. It’ll take more than that.

24. You won’t be able to watch movies where kids are killed or kidnapped.

When you have a little person in your house who you love more than anything, those movies hit a little too close to home.

25. You won’t want to spend money on yourself because you’ll know every dollar spent on yourself is a dollar you could’ve spent on your family.

This is why parents are famous for wearing outdated jeans.

26. Buying your kid something will make you way more happy than buying yourself something.

27. When your kid is little, every trip out of the house will feel like getting ready to go to the airport.

“Got the wipes?” “Check.” “The diapers, change of clothes, blanket, baby bottle, pacifier?” “Uh, check.”

28. You will love to watch kids’ movies.

This isn’t because the movies are so great (though most are tolerable these days), but because they’re an amazing bonding experience with your kid.

29. You will cram your entire adult life between the time your kid goes down and you go to sleep.

“Quick! Turn on The Walking Dead! Pour the wine! Tell me what you think about Obamacare! Ah, crap. It’s time for bed.”

30. For a while, only you will be able to understand them, so you’ll basically become their interpreter.

Grandma: “What did she say? Moogle woogle boo?” You: “No, she wants me to take her and her cousin to the park over on Smith Street next Tuesday.”

31. And lastly, it’s all worth it.

OK, so this is something people will tell you, but it’s true. Even with all of the maddening things that come along with being a parent, being someone’s mommy or daddy is one of life’s most rewarding experiences.

The Neuroscience of Calming a Baby

New study explains why babies calm down when they are carried.

Every parent and caregiver knows from first hand experience that babies calm down when they are picked up, gently rocked, and carried around the room. New research published in the journal Current Biology on April 18, 2013 shows that this is a universal phenomenon. Infants experience an automatic calming reaction when they are being carried, whether they are mouse pups or human babies.

"From humans to mice, mammalian infants become calm and relaxed when they are carried by their mother," says Kumi Kuroda of the RIKEN Brain Science Institute in Saitama, Japan. Being held in a mother's arms is the safest place for a baby to be, and the mother can have peace of mind knowing her baby is happy, content, and relaxed. The fact that babies are neurobiologically wired to stop crying when carried is a part of our evolutionary biology that helps our species survive.

This study is the first to show that the infant calming response to carrying is a coordinated set of central, motor, and cardiac regulations that is an evolutionarily preserved aspect of mother-infant interactions, the researchers say. It also helps to have a scientific explanation for the frustration many new parents struggle with. . . a calm and relaxed infant will often begin crying immediately when he or she is put down. When my daughter was young, swaddling her seemed to create a compact posture and sense of security that triggered an automatic relaxation response when she was put back down and helped break this cycle.

What triggers this calming response?

Kuroda and colleagues at RIKEN determined that the calming response is mediated by the parasympathetic nervous system and a region of the brain called the cerebellum (Latin: little brain). The researchers found that the calming response was dependent on tactile inputs and proprioception. Proprioception is the ability to sense and understand body movements and keep track of your body's position in space. They also found that the parasympathetic nervous system helped lower heart rate as part of mediating the coordinated response to being carried.

Both human and mouse babies calm down and stop moving immediately after they are carried, and mouse pups stop emitting ultrasonic cries. Mouse pups also adopt the characteristic compact posture, with limbs flexed, seen in other mammals such as cats and lions.

The idea that the familiar calming dynamic was also playing out in mice occurred to Kuroda one day when she was cleaning the cages of her mouse colony in the laboratory. She says, "When I picked the pups up at the back skin very softly and swiftly as mouse mothers did, they immediately stopped moving and became compact. They appeared relaxed, but not totally floppy, and kept the limbs flexed. This calming response in mice appeared similar to me to soothing by maternal carrying in human babies."

The Role of the Cerebellum in Calmness

As an athlete, I have written extensively about the cerebellum and its role in coordinating fine-tuned muscle movements, balance, and proprioception... The cerebellum is always on guard to protect your body from danger and prepare you for 'fight-or-flight' by keeping track of everything going on in your environment. 

Among many other jobs, the cerebellum has a huge responsibility to maintain your safety and physical well being. This takes a lot of brain power and energy. Although the cerebellum is only 10% of brain volume it holds over 50% of your brain's neurons. Neuroscientists are perplexed by everything that the cerebellum does. This study offers one more valuable clue. 

Scientists have known for years that the cerebellum is directly linked to a feedback loop with the vagus nerve which keeps heart rate slow and gives you grace under pressure. As adults, we can calm ourselves by practicing mindfulness and Loving-Kindness Meditation which puts the cerebellum at peace and creates a parasympathetic response of well being. This appears to be the same response that occurs in infants when they are being carried. 

Interestingly, the only time during the day that the cerebellum is allowed to let down it's guard and go offline is during REM sleep when your body is paralyzed to prevent you from acting out your dreams. It makes sense that being picked up and carried would send automatic signals that allow the cerebellum to relax and create healthy vagal tone which would lower heart rates in infants.

Conclusion

The researchers believe that these findings could have broad implications for parenting and contribute to preventing child abuse. “This infant response reduces the maternal burden of carrying and is beneficial for both the mother and the infant," explains Kuroda. She goes on to say, “Such proper understanding of infants would reduce frustration of parents and be beneficial, because unsoothable crying is a major risk factor for child abuse.”

"A scientific understanding of this infant response will save parents from misreading the restart of crying as the intention of the infant to control the parents, as some parenting theories—such as the 'cry it out' type of strategy—suggest," Kuroda says. "Rather, this phenomenon should be interpreted as a natural consequence of the infant sensorimotor systems." If parents understand that properly, perhaps they will be less frustrated by the crying, Kuroda says. And that puts those children at lower risk of abuse.

The authors conclude that, “Although our study was done on mothers, we believe that this is not specific to moms and can be used by any primary caregiver.”

This article can be found here.

What's the Difference Between Limits and Consequences?

This was a MUST share article from Aha! Parenting.

"Dr. Laura, How do you set loving limits, when you do not give consequences? For example, my son's bouncing a soccer ball inside the house. I try to give him a choice: "You remember balls are for bouncing outside. You may take it in front of the house or into the backyard. The choice is yours." Sometimes it works...sometimes he ignores me and continues to bounce the ball...I repeat again, and he does not listen. Should I take the ball away? He did not listen and there should be a consequence, no?"

Mom sees behavior that is against the family rules. She sets a limit, in this case by giving her son a choice of two alternate, acceptable, options. He ignores her. She repeats herself. He ignores her. Shouldn't there be a "consequence"?

Let's take this a step at a time.

1. Your son is bouncing the ball in the house, which he knows is against the family rules. You're worried about the walls getting scuffed. You need to set a limit. 

If you're doing daily preventive maintenance -- connecting with warmth and empathy, spending one on one time -- your child will always be more cooperative. So you can usually just set a clear, kind limit: "Michael! Ball bouncing is for outside. Thank you!" and hold open the door, and he'll comply.

What do I mean by connecting with warmth and empathy? Your basic 24/7 response to him is seeing things from his perspective, with compassion. In other words, what comes out of your mouth sounds mostly like this (in a warm, heart-felt voice):

• "You don't want to stop playing and take a bath. I understand. I bet when you're a grownup, you'll never take a bath, will you?"
• "Sometimes it's really hard to share your parents."
• "You sound really mad!"

2. Do you need to give him a choice? 

Some younger kids feel overwhelmed by choices. But strong-willed kids, even more than the rest of us, react badly when they feel backed into a corner. I would generally recommend giving your child the choice of continuing his activity in an appropriate place, or finding a different activity.

"Michael! No ball playing in the house. You can bounce the ball outside, or you can find another activity."

3. He ignores you. 

Maybe he's not being defiant; he's just really focused on his ball skills and doesn't even hear you. Or maybe you haven't been connecting with him much lately, and this is your red flag that you need to spend some dedicated special time with him daily, starting tonight. Or maybe he knows from past experience that there's a good chance you'll give up and leave him alone. Or maybe he's just a strong-willed kid, who needs to push on a limit 100 times to see if it holds firm. So he ignores you.

Do you repeat yourself? No! 

If you've asked once and not gotten a response, don't just repeat yourself. You don't have your child's attention yet. Instead, you get in his face in a friendly way, so he gets that you mean it. 

So in this case, you walk over to your son and -- hopefully with a smile on your face, but at least with a neutral expression -- you intercept the soccer ball. You hold the ball in one arm, putting the other arm around his shoulder. He looks up at you, aggravated.

4. You connect before you correct.

How do you feel when someone implies that you're wrong? A little bristly? An urgent need to prove you're right, or to fight back? That's not exactly a recipe for cooperation.

You can avoid your child feeling that way by reconnecting. He's much more likely to really hear you, and to care what you want, which means he's more likely to cooperate. You do that by seeing his perspective, even as you set your limit.

"Hey, Buddy...I guess you were so focused on those ball skills that you didn't hear me. Your ball skills are looking good. AND where do we play with balls? Right! Outside!" 

As you speak, you are walking him towards the door. You open it, and as he goes out, you give him the ball, and a smile.

5. Find a win/win solution. Usually, that's the end of incident. You've enforced your limit. If you do this regularly, your son will skip the inside bouncing and head straight outdoors, because who wants their mom interrupting when they're practicing ball skills? 

But maybe you only have a lawn outside and the ball doesn't bounce there. Maybe your son needs a hard surface to bounce the ball. In that case, he will almost certainly keep using your hallway. Time for a win/win solution.

"Hmm...I hear you that the lawn isn't good for bouncing the ball....and bouncing it in the house doesn't work for me because it damages the wall....What can we do?....You think the blacktop at the school would work? Great idea! I can't go with you now, but if you help me chop these veggies, we can go over for half an hour before dinner. Let's work together." 

Notice your child has to delay gratification. That's not easy. But if you're maintaining a positive connection, he'll be a lot more motivated.

6. Should you take the ball away? If your child is using a toy in an unsafe way, and does not respond to your redirection, then of course you take the toy away. "Balls are not for bouncing in the house. I hear you really don't want to go outside, so let's put the ball away and find something you can do in the house. It looks like you need something active to do....Want to jump on the trampoline in the basement? Or throw your stuffed animals over the railing and then rescue them?" Notice this is not a punishment. You are simply redirecting your child's energy. 

7. Teach Your Child to Repair. Let's say you come upon your son bouncing his ball in the hall, and you notice scuff marks on the wall. You say say "Whoa! Look at that wall! We need to clean that up. Sweetie, let's go get the cleaning supplies, and I'll help you. You know we always clean up our own messes." If you do this cheerfully, without blame, from the time your child is little, he will comply. And he will also start taking the ball outside without your intervention, because who wants to clean the walls when they could be outside doing soccer drills?

8. Shouldn't there be a "consequence"? Of course! Look at all the consequences of what happened here! Your son has learned:

• When mom tells me to do something, she means it. There's no point in trying to ignore her.
• Bouncing the ball in the house scuffs the wall and I'm responsible to help clean up the scuff marks...I'd rather just go outside with the ball.
• I make mistakes, but Mom always understands.
• I repair my mistakes and clean up my own messes.
• My mom really cares about what I want. So I care about what she wants.
• If I don't like what Mom tells me to do, she listens and tries to find a good solution for both of us.
• I'm good at finding solutions.
• If I use a toy unsafely, I have to find another activity.
• I don't always get what I want, but I get something better -- a mom who understands.
• Everyone in our family takes our family rules seriously. The most important one is treating each other with respect and kindness.

By contrast, if you had punished him -- which is what parents usually mean by "consequences" -- what would he have learned? 

• She's always yelling and punishing me. Why should I do what she wants?
• When I bounce the ball in the house, she takes it away and punishes me. But not until she's yelling. So I don't have to listen until she yells and takes the ball away. I know just how far to push it before I get a consequence.
• She took my ball. I'm going to annoy my sister. In fact, I'm going to make this afternoon miserable for everyone.
• When she's not here, I'll bounce the ball in the house as much as I want. 
• No, I don't know who made those scuff marks. I'm getting good at lying.
• She can't make me.

The truth is, we can't make another human being do what we want. We can only help them WANT to. Loving guidance and empathic limits help your child WANT to follow your guidance, so those good habits become part of who he is, whether you're there or not. "Consequences" that are designed to punish? Just the opposite.

The difference between loving limits and consequences is that there's no room for punishment in loving limits. If you'd like to learn more you can find this article here.

Baby Formula: Thirty Billion Dollars and Counting

Luckily very few people (outside those who work with formula companies) argue the devastating effects of a lack of breastfeeding in developing nations where preventable diseases run rampant and we’re losing approximately 830,000 children a year who should still be alive[1]. Child mortality runs rampant and families spend precious money on formula when they could be saving their money and their child’s health by breastfeeding. But the story is different in the West. We have clean water, disease is rare, and so many argue that there really isn’t a cost to using formula. People use their own children as examples of how wonderful it can be. And there are valid and real reasons a mother can’t or won’t breastfeed. Absolutely. But we have to stop pretending there are no costs to it.

Back in 2010, some doctors published an article in Pediatrics looking at the cost of suboptimal breastfeeding rates (“optimal” defined as 80-90% of women exclusively breastfeeding for six months) in the United States[2]. I’ve covered this elsewhere but let’s remind people of the cost in the United States, a Western country with clean water and few diseases (relatively speaking). The authors found that the US health care system would save $13 billion a year and we would lose 911 less children, most of them infants under 1 year of age.

Sit on that for a moment.

Now, the joy of fixing this one is that it doesn’t mean mothers have to breastfeed. It simply means we need to make breastmilk more readily available to women who choose not to breastfeed or who can’t breastfeed for myriad reasons. And this is the big push I always try to make – it’s about getting babies the milk they are biologically designed to have and saving formula for the absolute worst case scenarios where it’s needed.

But we also have to talk about the effect of this suboptimal breastfeeding on moms, because we know that not breastfeeding increases the risk of a variety of ailments including cancers and heart disease. Recently, the same researchers who looked at the effects of suboptimal breastfeeding rates on infant and child mortality looked at the same question but for women’s mortality and the economic cost associated with it[3].

In this study the authors used statistical modeling to map out the rates of five diseases (i.e., breast cancer, ovarian cancer, hypertension, Type 2 diabetes, and myocardial infraction) in a cohort of women who were 15 in 2002 based on what we know of prevalence of the disease (including race, age, etc.) assuming the rate of breastfeeding we currently have and then again assuming an “optimal” level. (Of note, there are other diseases linked to breastfeeding for women, but they were not included in this analysis.) For this analysis optimal became 90% of women breastfeeding at all at a year given the relationship between this duration and the research on various disease outcomes in women. Notably, because of the uncertainty in modeling, the authors rightfully used many (2000 to be exact) imputations of the model to average out the results.

The authors found that, based on current rates of diseases and treatments, we are losing over 72,000 women a year prematurely (before age 70, or 10 years below the national US average for women) because of a failure to read “optimum” breastfeeding rates. Medical costs associated with this is $734 million in direct costs and $126 million in indirect costs. But the biggest financial cost is the economic cost to society due to premature death and at the rates we have, suboptimal breastfeeding is resulting in costs of $17.4 billion a year. (Oh – and did I mention that part of the cost analysis is that it included costs of interventions to get breastfeeding rates up to “optimal” levels? Yeah, they thought of that.)

When we consider mom and babies together, we’re seeing a variety of costs to society that are over $30 billion. Every. Year. So much for breastfeeding not having any effect on our society, eh?

But now we must ask: What’s the solution?

Let’s first talk about the fact that most women who use formula don’t do it because they started out wanting to do that. There are women who made that choice, but they are a minority. The vast majority of women tried breastfeeding and even had goals about what they wanted to achieve and it didn’t work out. And THIS is where we need to focus efforts.

One study looking at breastfeeding intentions and successes in the US found that 60% of mothers wanted to breastfed exclusively for some period[4]. Of this group, 85% wanted to breastfed exclusively for 3 months, but only 45% of them did; 58% wanted to go for five months, but only 25% of them made it. Only 1% of those moms who planned on exclusively breastfeeding said they planned on it for less than a month yet 42% of them stopped within that month.

We have a problem. And it’s not fair to the women or babies who are bearing the brunt of our inability to support moms in reaching their breastfeeding goals. Looking at the numbers, we see that it’s not fair to them to have an increased risk of dying prematurely or suffering cancers or heart disease. It’s not fair for babies to die before they are year. And if life doesn’t ring true, it’s not fair to society to bear such an enormous cost. $30 billion a year. That’s just under half the budget for the entire Department of Education. It’s just $8 billion shy of California’s budget to educate all children from kindergarten through grade 12. In short, it’s a heck of a lot of money that our society is losing in one way or another and that could be prevented.

Isn’t it time we put our money to good use? To get the programs needed in place to support mothers and babies and their breastfeeding goals? Even if we ignore the life costs, there are far too many women running into far too many barriers and not meeting their breastfeeding goals and that has to stop. In a society where we seem to be on a mission to tell moms that formula is just fine, we are ignoring that we should have been supporting these moms from the get-go so that when they chose to switch to formula (if they did at all), it would be on their terms.

[1] http://www.savethechildren.org/atf/cf/%7B9def2ebe-10ae-432c-9bd0-df91d2eba74a%7D/SUPERFOOD%20FOR%20BABIES%20ASIA%20LOW%20RES%282%29.PDF

[2] Bartick M, Reinhold A. The burden of suboptimal breastfeeding in the United States: a pediatric cost analysis. Pediatrics 2010; 125: e1048-e1056.

[3] Bartick M, Stuebe A, Schwarz EB, Luongo C, Reinhold AG, Foster EM. Cost analysis of maternal disease associated with suboptimal breastfeeding. Obstetrics & Gynecology 2013; 122: 111-9.

[4] Perrine CG, Scanlon KS, Li R, Odom E, Grummer-Strawn LM. Baby-friendly hospital practices and meeting exclusive breastfeeding intention. Pediatrics 2012; 130: 54-60.

Six Ways to Allow Your Child to Become a Responsible Adult

Lately there seem to be many parents yelling about how much they hate our current generation of entitled children or young adults who can’t function on their own and don’t take responsibility for their actions. They seem to argue that it’s parents who are responsive that are a problem, something I’ve heard first hand (because didn’t you know that letting my child breastfeed at 2 means she’ll be a spoiled, rotten brat??). They often push for things like bullying being okay or leaving your child to cry because the real world is harsh: The problem is that we just haven’t been harsh enough with our kids and that’s why they can’t cope. I think it’s bullshit. You want to raise responsible adults? Here are six things you should allow your child to do if you want them to grow into adults who understand responsibility, will work hard, and be self-motivated…

Allow your baby to be totally dependent on you. Our society focuses far too much on trying to make babies independent but quite simply, it won’t work. Think of your child as a house or tree, without the right foundation or roots, you will have problems. Attachment is absolutely necessary to children’s well-being. Although historical or evolutionary practices are very easy ways to get this attachment (because of the constant proximity between baby and a caregiver – typically mom but certainly not always given the high prevalence of alloparenting in these societies), as written about before it’s really all about responsiveness. Whereas leaving your baby to cry or refusing to feed or comfort at certain points is non-responsive, you simply cannot spoil a baby with too much love and you will not create “bad habits” or “clingy children” by responding to them. You just won’t. In fact, you’ll raise children who feel secure enough to go out and explore the world on their own, knowing they have a safe place to return to if necessary.

Allow your child to grow into his/her independence. You see, we have it backwards. We force independence in babies and then restrict it as our children develop and are yearning for independence. Does this mean we hand our 2 year old a knife and wish them luck? No, it means that we allow them to explore. In the younger years, it may be as simple as just letting them climb on the play structure themselves. In the older years, it’ll be letting them go on bike rides or walks to friends’ houses by themselves. You can always make sure your child is doing something as safely as possible but if you remove the chances for them to practice their independence out of fear of anything happening, you will stunt them.

If they have the secure foundation of responsive parenting in their early years, they know they can come to you if they run into problems and they most likely will. They may face problems that you wish they didn’t, but you’ll be there to see them through it, from cuts and broken bones to broken hearts and lost dreams. Remember that each child will grow into their independence in their own time – you can’t actually force independence. You can force independent-like behaviour, but if a child isn’t ready, it will be done with extreme anxiety which is not good for future exploration. (Also remember that a child who is set on being independent will find ways and if you make it too difficult for them, expect them to start doing it behind your back and probably not in the safest or sanest of ways.)

Allow your child to play, and play rough (if she/he wants). Until the age of around 6 or 7, children should spend most of their time playing (and still a lot of time after that). Outdoors when possible, but at least playing. In our world of daycare and preschool and kindergarten readiness tests, we are so focused on trying to teach our children, I’m not sure that there’s any room for them to learn. Will they memorize things? Sure. But are they learning about their interests, the world around them, and how to engage with it? I don’t think so. Play is key to this process of learning and we need to allow them to cultivate it far more than we currently do.

One more thing, many kids (yes, girls included) will want to play rough – toy swords, toy knives, wrestling – and we should let them. Every bit of play is learning, including roughhousing, and from it they can learn a lot about safety, respect for others, and the appropriate ways to use tools. I know many people panic when their child shows an interest in rough play, especially those that identify as “gentle parents”. Remember: Gentle parenting is not about restricting play to gentle play, it’s about how you respond as a parent to your child.

Allow your child to take responsibility for his/her actions. There are two different problems in our society in this realm. Either parents, in an effort to avoid seeing their child in pain or suffering any type of punishment, cover for them or they offer harsh punishments that don’t fit “the crime”. In more traditional societies where groups are small and people have to work together, it is common for people to know how to make amends and if they don’t, allow the group or the elder to decide what actions should be taken while all accept the outcome to move forward. As we don’t have such small groups, we’re not used to that type of awareness of how our actions influence or affect other people, thus parents are used to either doling out punishments or hiding their child from responsibility.

What does taking responsibility look like? Well, at the basic level it’s letting your child take part in figuring out how to make amends if they’ve hurt someone, fix something they’ve done “wrong”, own up to any behaviour that hurt someone, or accept the natural consequences of their own behaviours. It’s bringing them into the fold and having them come up with solutions with you (to help guide them, but not tell them what to do). You should also be giving them things to be responsible for, whether it be a chore in the house, cleaning up after themselves, or being in charge of whatever toys they bring out in public. If they don’t have ways to practice responsibility, they can never learn it. Children as young as 2 or 3 can help come up with ideas and the more they do, the better they get at it and the more they learn to be responsible for themselves.

Allowing responsibility does not mean never helping them when they ask for it out of fear that they will not learn to be responsible. You also want to teach them to help others if they can and when the request is reasonable, so be prepared to do the same for them. It does not mean covering for them or fixing their problems without their input and work or helping when the request is not reasonable.

[My own personal take is that when we instill this, we are helping reduce bullying. If you are consistently aware of how your actions affect other people and become used to having to take responsibility for that, you don’t intentionally hurt others and certain apologize when you do.]

Allow your child to say “no”. If you were to actually step back for a day and observe your interactions with your child, how often do you think you’d allow them to say “no” to you? How often do you allow yourself to say “no” to them? It’s inherently going to be unequal, but in our society it is so skewed that we might as well be honest that we seem to have the primary goal of obedience, not raising children to think for themselves. Sometimes allowing them to do what they want will lead to failure for them (something I know we hate seeing) and that’s okay. They need to fail. We all do. With failure we learn: We learn what doesn’t work and we learn we need to change our plan if we want to reach our goal.

We also need to allow them to say no to develop their own voice. If they can’t feel safe saying “no” to a parent and having it be respected at least once in a while, how can we expect them to feel confident saying it to someone else? We worry about our kids running off with the wrong “crowd”, doing drugs or drinking too much, saying “yes” to sex when they aren’t feeling truly ready themselves. Although these behaviours stem from a multitude of issues, part of it comes down to kids who just don’t believe their “no” has a voice. It’s up to us as parents to give that “no” a voice.

One last thought on it: how can we expect them to respect our “no” when we don’t respect theirs?

Allow your child to be a child out in public. I have to qualify this by being clear that I’m not talking about all places, as there are areas where we need to be aware of how we all act and kids need to learn that too; however, we seem to look askew at anyone with a child who is being a child anywhere. Folks, public is public and it’s for everyone, children included. I don’t like the behaviours of many of the adults around me, but I acknowledge their right to behave that way in these spaces. My child has the same rights to behave like a child (arguably more because they don’t have the neurological capacity to always behave as others’ might like). That may mean being a bit too loud, running around, squealing with delight, and yes, sometimes breaking down. These are all normal behaviours. It’s how we handle things when they go too far that we must be aware of.

A child who is screaming at the top of her lungs should be reminded that it hurts other people’s ears and to be quieter or to find a place where that won’t bother people. Running around and crashing into people without regard is also something children need to learn not to do. And breaking down often requires gently removing a child from the situation until he or she is calm and figuring out what happened while offering comfort and understanding. Adults in our society need to be exposed to children as children are. Children need the exposure to public places and adults to learn how to behave, while also being allowed to be themselves in a respectful way. When we hide them from it or force them to behave in ways that aren’t aligned with their developmental level, we are making it harder and harder for them to learn to consider others (because they’re too focused on their own behaviour) or to take responsibility and learn about thinking of others. It also tells them that they are not worthy of respect (but others are) and frankly that’s not a lesson that’s going to serve anyone well if we want them to grow up to feel confident and secure in themselves.

*******

There we have it. Six things you can allow your child to do that will help them be responsible, independent, caring grown-ups. You don’t need to force them to toughen up or even force them to be independent because they’ll get there on their own. The problem isn’t that we haven’t been “harsh” enough, the problem is that we’ve been harsh when we should be gentle, permissive when we should encourage responsibility, and driven by fear to restrict our children’s growth into independent beings. Let’s end that. If you'd like to learn more on the topic you can click here.

Rock and Buy Baby launching Summer of 2014!

It's official, for those of you who didn't already know, we're opening up a store online! After business picks up then hopefully a small store front (not sure yet of a location).

The website has been purchased and our name secured!

www.rockandbuybaby.com

We've also got Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and our email address! Will be working on a logo and page layouts over the next few months while gathering inventory and listing that online as well. Keep following the blog and like/become a fan of our other social media pages. Each one will be having their own giveaways and coupon codes. An example would be a free diaper on Facebook, free wet bag for instagram, or gift card on twitter. I wouldn't want to miss anything!

Big things coming soon... stay posted for more updates. Soft opening estimated for summer 2014.

Cloth Diapering 101: Why Choose Cloth?

We know that new and expecting parents have an overwhelming number of decisions to make when it comes to the well-being of their babies. Choosing whether to use reusable cloth diapers or disposable diapers is just one of the decisions that needs to be made. We understand that the abundance of information on cloth diapering combined with the variety of styles and brands can be confusing and intimidating for an expecting family. We hope that the information provided below will help simplify cloth diapering and enable you to make the best diapering decision for your baby and your family.

Savings

Based on 8,000 diaper changes from birth to potty training you can expect to spend between $2,300 to $2,800 on disposable diapers and wipes. In contrast, cloth diapering your baby can cost as little as a few hundred dollars. Using these figures, you can save up to $2,500 by choosing to use cloth diapers and wipes. Proper care and use will extend the life of your cloth diapers and allow for further savings by using them on additional babies.

The #1 reason customers chose to use cloth diapers was for the financial savings. (Based on Thirsties’ 2012 Customer Survey of 720 cloth diapering families)

Use the Savings Calculator to see how much you can save by using Thirsties cloth diapers.

Healthy for your baby's skin

Disposable diapers contain various toxins such as Tributyltin, Sodium Polyacrylate, Volatile Organic Compounds (VOC’s) and trace amounts of Dioxin. Your baby’s delicate skin functions as a sponge and what we put on it goes in it.

Thirsties uses low impact reactive dyes and processes that are eco-friendly. No heavy metals, toxic substances, or environmentally destructive practices are used in dying our fabrics. All Thirsties products are PVC (vinyl), phthalate, and lead free.

The second most important reason our customers chose to use cloth diapers was because they are healthier against their baby’s delicate skin. (Based on Thirsties’ 2012 Customer Survey of 720 cloth diapering families)

Environmental Impact

Disposable diapers generate sixty times more solid waste and use twenty times more raw materials than reusable diapers. Disposable diapers are the third largest contributor to our landfills and will remain intact for 500 years.

Style

With the available variety of styles, colors, and prints you can customize a diaper stash that fits your baby’s personality and your budget. Thirsties offers over a dozen fun colors and several adorable prints to fashionably compliment your baby’s style.

Convenience

With cloth diapers, there are no late-night trips to the grocery store for more diapers, no emptying your diaper pail into your already full trash bin, no pins and no rubber pants. With sturdy and easy-to-use closures cloth diapers go on your baby just as disposables do but with oodles more cuteness and style.

98% of our customers think that using cloth diapers is easier than they thought or about what they expected. (Based on Thirsties’ 2012 Customer Survey of 720 cloth diapering families)

Fewer blowouts

Cloth diapers contain blowouts far better than disposables. You can sleep soundly knowing you won’t be up during the night changing outfits, bedding, or bathing your baby.

Cloth Diapering 101: What do I need to get started?

The number of diapers to purchase is based upon your budget, your diapering choice, and how often you will be laundering your diapers. The recommendations below are based on the assumption that you will be doing laundry every other day.

How many daily diaper changes should I expect?
Newborn: 10–12 diapers
6–12 months: 8-10 diapers
12–24 months: 6–8 diapers
24+ months: 4-6 diapers

How many diapers will I need in rotation?
Newborn: 20–24 diapers
6–12 months: 16-20 diapers
12–24 months: 12–16 diapers
24+ months: 8-12 diapers

How many covers do I need?
A wrap or cover can be wiped clean and reused several times before requiring a full washing. Most people recommend one wrap for every 3-4 diapers in rotation.

Do I have to purchase new diapers?
NO! You can purchase gently used diapers from maybe stores and online shops! It's definitely worth it to save a few dollars.

What accessories do I need?
I recommend purchasing 2 pail liners, a cloth diaper friendly diaper ointment, 1 wet bag, 3 dozen cloth wipes, 1baby wipe solution mist, cloth diaper friendly detergent (I use TIDE Original Powder in my HE machine), 1 diaper sprayer (optional), and wool dryer balls if using the dryer. If line drying, you may want to purchase a clothes line or a drying rack. I also recommend a 3 pack of snappis if you are using prefolds!

Cloth Diapering 101: Accessories

Inserts
Inserts are used to add absorbency to a diapering system. Inserts can be placed between the diaper and cover or stuffed into the pocket or sleeve.

Diaper Ointment
It is very important to choose a baby ointment that is cloth diaper safe. Many traditional diaper ointments contain petroleum or other ingredients which coat fibers and cause diapers to repel.

Reusable Wipes
Are a great alternative to disposable wipes and can save you up to $500. Pair with a baby wipe solution for the best results.

Baby Wipe Solution
When using reusable wipes you will want to purchase a baby wipe solution to properly cleanse and moisturize your baby’s skin.

Wet Bag
A great accessory for your diaper bag used to either enclose clean or soiled diapers. Wet bags come with a closure system to keep odors from escaping.

Diaper Pail
The use of a diaper pail is necessary to keep odors at bay while storing your baby’s soiled diapers until laundry day. 52 quart garbage pails with a lid are a popular choice but any large container with a closure will work.

Pail Liner
Washable liners are designed to fit your diaper pail and be thrown in the wash with your soiled diapers. Pail liners are waterproof and designed to keep odors sealed within.

Diaper Sprayer
A hose with a nozel that is attached to the plumbing of your toilet and is used to cleanse poop from soiled diapers. Diaper sprayers aren’t typically necessary until your baby begins to eat solids.

Baby Basics. A place to sleep, clothing, and diapers.

When it comes to having a baby, whether it's your first child or not, you can get a little overwhelmed in the search for baby gear. Now we all know baby's need a place to sleep, clothes to wear, and of course diapers. Just these items alone can break the bank if you aren't sure what you really need. Here are some tips. Keep in mind that these are just my opinions and it's because I'm on my second child and have a little bit of experience.

A safe place to sleep

As far as a place to sleep goes, in the first few months (I want to say up to about 6 months or before they sit up unassisted), baby does NOT need a crib. I know every mom pictures herself coming home from the hospital and placing that beautiful newborn into her own crib with a super cute bedding set in her fabulously decorated nursery. Whelp... unless you have an extra room for baby, which many parents do, then image that big ol' crib squeezed in your bedroom (maybe living room). Not the ideal image of that dream nursery but do-able. A little bit more realistic of a choice is getting a bassinet (which holds baby until he/she can start to push up on to the elbows or starts to roll over), or a pack n play. Personally, I have both but prefer putting Kaleb into the pack n play, which I'm currently using as a bassinet, to sleep.

We were given ours from my father in law as a gift. It's the new Lion King 100% washable playard. Yes, you heard that right! The whole thing unzips and can be thrown right into our washing machine. GENIUS! Why didn't they think of this 4 years ago when I had Layla. So many times she's spit up or drooled all over that thing and I'd think to myself, "How am I ever going to clean the top rail, netting, and mattress cover?!" Anyway, it comes with the changing table, has a bassinet that can be lowered to the bottom to become a playpen, and of course a little storage. I'm using my Graco pack n play sheets from Layla's old one on this model even though it's a different brand. They are usually all the same size mattress pad, lucky for me. Best part about this little item is, baby can use it up to 24 months old, or when he/she starts to climb out.

Clothing

Now as far as clothing... YES, we all want baby dressed in the cutest outfits. Really though, if you really think about it, they outgrow clothing the first year of life like you wouldn't believe! Just stop to think about all the sizes you can buy for a baby. No, seriously... they have a lot and they are outgrown any where between 8-12 weeks at a time. Here's the sizing chart for my favorite brand of baby and toddler clothing, Carters.

As you may have noticed, some "well grown" babies are born wearing size 0-3 months right away. Heck both my children were 8 lbs and some change. They wore newborn for like a week and then I could barely snap the bottoms because they were too tall and plump. 

Carters, which just bought out OshKosh B'Gosh makes some really cute clothing and they are the known by other names at other stores. You can find their clothing at Macy's, Babies R Us, Marshall's, TJ Maxx, Ross, and Winners (Canada). In Target the line of clothing is called Just One You by Carters and in Walmart  Child of Mine by Carters. Remember though, baby clothing can be costly. A set of 3 pieces, onesie-pants-jacket can be $15-20. THAT'S JUST ONE OUTFIT! If you've got a messy baby you could go through 3 outfits a day and 2 PJs at night! For a first time mom, I think I'd recommend buying a 3-5 pack of onesies in each of those sizes above (starting at 0-3 months of course!), a couple pants, shorts, and skirts or dresses. As far as coats, jackets, and sweaters go, I'd have two in 6 months and two in 12 months. It's ok if the sleeves are a little long, but really hold up all the sizes together it's the smallest difference in size from a 3 to 6 month or 9 to 12 month! It's insane. Now, what about baby shoes? I knew you'd ask. I have one for each size but really my baby is 3 months old and has only worn shoes twice... until they start walking, what's the point? Most of the time it's just socks that work for us. The good news about that is socks come in size 3-12 months or 12-24 months, so they last a long time!

How can I save money on baby clothing?

Saving money on baby items, especially clothing should be a job for me. I'm good, like really good. I stalk the sites for all those store for sales, coupons, seasonal changes (for buying a year later's size like 18 months on sale!), and of course clearance. However, my favorite store in the world is Once Upon A Child. They buy and sell gently used baby items and clothing. They pay you cash for your outgrown, stain and tear-free clothing and shoes. Since baby's outgrow clothing so fast (my baby at two months was wearing size 3-6 months), you can find A LOT of things that look brand new! I love to go to there stores and get clothing and shoes for my two kids. They sell newborn to kid's size 12. If you're really luck you can get brand new items with the tags still on for $2.00-$5.00. Perfect example, I got Layla Air Jordan's for $8.00 and they retail for over $40.00! I would definitely recommend getting a lot of clothing from them, or maybe some local consignment stores.

DIAPERS!!

When it comes to what kind of diapers, which, brands, and what sizes are needed, new moms can get a little overwhelmed. I'm not for or against cloth vs disposables (well maybe a little one way more than the other). When it comes to you and your family, it's all about money, time, and support. With my daughter she used Pampers (Swaddlers then Cruisers) from birth to potty training. That's when we switched her to Huggies Pull Ups. I tried a pack of Huggies but this is what happened all the time.

This is a diaper explosion.

They happen, there is NO WAY TO AVOID THEM. But just imagine this TIMES TEN when I used Huggies brand. It was down her PJs legs, up her whole back, in her sleeves, and up into her hair! Not so fun at 3 AM when you're trying to change a baby in the dark for a late night quiet feeding. You have to wake them up and bathe them, rinse out poop from the clothing, wake up half the house, and cry a little because you haven't slept since you were in your second trimester. It's ok though, just remember one day their children will repay the favor. Now as far as size, just read the box. It's got the weight range listed on the side. I wouldn't recommend a large Costco size box of size newborn though, but definitely in size one. Speaking of Costco, or BJ's Wholesale... great stores for diapers at formula (if you need it) at a great cost. 

With my second child, however, I started with cloth diapers. Now, I don't want to go too into this but... really ask yourself if you like to throw money away literally? I sure didn't with Layla. Cloth diapering is a great option! Ultimately, you have to decide why one diapering method works better for your family, your child and your wallet. There are pros and cons to each, and whatever your reason for using cloth (saving money over the course of your baby's diapering years, fewer diapers in landfills) or disposables (far less interaction with poo, never worrying about having enough diapers washed and ready to go) -- you shouldn't feel guilty about a choice that works for you.

I will write a blog about cloth diapering in more detail soon, stay posted.